The Losses That Plague You
by GoldenChocobo
Summary: Shortly after the events of Mass Effect 1, Shepard is put on medical leave for evaluation. Shepard must be kept under surveillance to monitor his recovery. Garrus volunteer's, so Shepard and Kaidan stay at Garrus' apartment on the Citadel. The only comfort Shepard has is found within the arms of Kaidan. Rated M for minor sexual themes. MShep/Kaidan. Sentinel/Colonist/SoleSurvivor.
1. Chapter 1 : The Battle is Over

The Losses That Plague You

Chapter 1 : The Battle is Over

The door slid open, as Shepard turned to look at the Doctor walking in. He was a tall man, a little taller than Shepard, with short hair that was greying near his ears. He had short, greying stubble that dressed his defined jaw.

"Your vitals are fine, you're doing amazingly well…" The Doctor spoke, his head tilted in sympathy. "…considering your recent ordeal."

"Thanks Doc, how long till I can get out of here?" Shepard asked as he sat up in hospital bed.

Garrus walked into the room casually, he cleared his voice to gain attention.

"Well… they told me you could leave today if you had supervision." Garrus spoke, before the Doctor could begin. "I guess you'll be crashing at my apartment for a while." Garrus laughed.

"Garrus, am I glad to see you." Shepard laughed, suddenly feeling exposed as he sat naked with nothing but the usual patient robes on. "That was one hell-of-a fight."

"We finally got that bastard Saren." Garrus laughed as he tossed Shepard's clothes at him. "Now get dressed, I can't have a man dressed like that roaming about my apartment. What would the neighbours say?"

The Doctor chuckled as he and Garrus left the room. Moments later the door slid open again as Kaidan walked into the room. He walked right up to Shepard smiling.

"I don't think the neighbours would say anything, they'd be staring at a man sculpted by the gods." He smiled as he kissed Shepard longingly. Shepard kissed him back, missing the touch of his lover.

"So you heard that I'll be staying at Garrus' apartment?" Shepard laughed as he de-robed himself.

"Yes, Garrus has invited me over too." Kaidan smiled as he admired Shepard's body.

"Stop it." Shepard warned. "That look you get in your eye drives me wild, and we can't relieve that energy here." Shepard laughed as he pulled his jeans on. He buttoned the jeans up and pulled on his black t-shirt.

"Of course not." Kaidan chuckled. "Although, I wouldn't say no." He laughed. Shepard put his pumps on and put his arm around Kaidan as they walked out of the patient room.

Kaidan and Shepard walked silently, enjoying each other's presence. They walked up to the front desk to sign Shepard out.

"I'm just going to go to the restroom quickly." Kaidan smiled as he gave Shepard a quick kiss.

"Okay, hurry back." Shepard smiled as he approached the desk.

A young asari woman sat at the desk, she smiled as Shepard approached. She was a light blue, but slightly darker than Liara.

"How can I help you?" She spoke quickly with a smile on her face.

"I'm here to sign out, I'm John Shepard." He smiled.

"Oh, Commander Shepard!" She sounded flustered. "S… sorry, I should have known. Thank you… for getting that son-of-a-bitch Saren, you saved us all." She smiled. "Even if some of the other species don't realise it."

"It was no trouble at all." Shepard smiled as he signed the papers. "See you later." He smiled as he walked off towards the exit. He waited as the doors glided open and he walked out.

"Shepard!" Garrus called as he jogged over to the Spectre. "Here." He spoke as he opened his omni-tool. "That's the co-ordinates for my apartment, and here's the access code. I've got a few errands to run so make yourself at home." Garrus smiled as he bolted off.

"See you later!" Shepard called after him.

The doors behind him slid open as Kaidan exited the Hospital. The front of the hospital was crowded with people and ambulances.

"Where's Garrus running off to?" Kaidan asked as he watched the turian run towards a cab.

"Just to run a few errands, which means his place will be empty." Shepard spoke as a sly grin crept across his face, Kaidan blushed.

"Well, I don't know about you but I'm still sore from our last mission…" Kaidan laughed as he rubbed the back of his head. "Maybe you'll just have to do with some light over-the-clothes rubbing."

"I guess that'll do." Shepard teased as he took Kaidan's hand as they hailed a cab.


	2. Chapter 2 : Fun With Biotics

The Losses That Plague You

Chapter 2 : Fun With Biotics

Shepard opened his omni-tool to enter the access code for Garrus' apartment overlooking the Bachjret Ward of the Citadel. The slid open and Kaidan and Shepard entered. They kicked off their shoes and then looked around the apartment.

"Wow." Kaidan muttered as he was greeted by an open-plan apartment. The back wall was cluttered with articles, photographs and sources all focused on a certain turian Spectre, Saren. "Garrus really did want to catch Saren."

"Yeah… no kidding." Shepard replied, just as shocked as Kaidan was. "I'm surprised he didn't have enough dirt on him to get him on his own, there's so much here."

Shepard advanced on the wall as Kaidan reached out to stop him.

"Come on Shepard" Kaidan spoke with concern clear in his voice. "That chapter of our life is over." He smiled, pulling Shepard into a tight embrace.

"I'm just glad you made it out alive." Shepard smiled, taking in Kaidan's scent. He smelled different somehow, but Shepard put it down to current events. He leaned his head back, whilst still embracing Kaidan, to look at his face. "Now what was this about over-the-clothes rubbing?"

Kaidan giggled as he rubbed the side of Shepard's face. "Let's go find the guest room and find out" He smiled as he kissed his lover.

The guest room was small room just off the end of the hallway. It was a small room, barely enough space for the double bed that sat up against the back, right hand side. Kaidan crawled up the bed, still fully clothed. Shepard grinned as he crawled up Kaidan, like a predator that caught its prey. Kaidan grinned as he ran his hands up Shepard's arms and settled them on Shepard's shoulder as he pulled him down for a kiss.

Shepard smiled and pulled away as he ground his hips against Kaidan's, that sent a wave of heat through both their bodies. Kaidan purred as dragged his hands down Shepard's back, fingers digging into his lover. Shepard dove into a passionate kiss as Kaidan pulled his hips closer and ground them rougher, trying to generate friction.

At that moment biotic flares began to dance around both their bodies. The flares danced around them, increasing the stimulation their touched provoked in each other. Kaidan glides he thumb over Shepard's bottom lip as he admired his lover. He held Shepard's head and pulled him in for a hungry kiss as their hips ground against each other once more. Kaidan gasped as the stimulation of the flares and Shepard's touch warmed him.

A weightless feeling crept up on Shepard as he realised he and Kaidan began to levitate slightly off the bed. Shepard smiled into a kiss as he clutched to his lover, their bodies perfectly aligned.

"Who's holding who up?" Shepard whispered between kisses.

"We're holding each other up." Kaidan whispered, as he stroked his lovers shaved head. Shepard knew how true that was, if Kaidan wasn't here Shepard would crumble.

A headache began to build in Kaidan's head. He tried his best to ignore it, a moment of displeasure crept across his face. Shepard missed the look, much to Kaidan's relief. He took a chance to dive into a deep kiss, as he wrapped he legs around Shepard. Shepard took his chance to increase the friction between them, which resulted in Kaidan's headache to rise to a point where he flailed in pain. He released Shepard from his biotic hold which threw Shepard off balance and caused him to release Kaidan as they both dropped onto the bed.

Shepard couldn't help but burst into laughter as Kaidan held onto his temple.

"I'm sorry…" Shepard laughed. "Are you okay?" He managed to pull a straight face as he settled down next to Kaidan.

Kaidan shot him a glare as he rubbed his head. Shepard laughed again, covering his mouth to try and stifle the laughter.

"Sorry, Shepard." He smiled through his pain. "I guess my implant is still in overdrive."

"It's okay, I understand." He smiled as he rubbed his lover's stomach, his fingers tracing over his clothed muscles.

The headache subsided as Kaidan but his arm around Shepard and Shepard settled into the crook of Kaidan's arm. They lay together for a while, neither speaking. Without the distraction Shepard's mind drifted into darker territory. Kaidan felt his lover tense.

"Tell me." Kaidan spoke softly. Shepard gave him a puzzled look. "Tell me what you're thinking about?"

This shocked Shepard, Kaidan had gotten to know him so well.

"I was just thinking about everyone we lost." Shepard began. "It hurts, you know?"

"I do Shepard, we all lost people. It's okay to feel bad, but it's not your fault. Okay?" Kaidan comforted his lover as he kissed his forehead.

"Liara lost her Mother, she watched her die." Shepard's throat grew tighter. "How do you even cope with that? It's killing me just thinking about it."

"You brought Benezia back Shepard." Kaidan spoke. "You brought her back to fight Saren, you brought her back so Liara would have something to remember her by."

"It doesn't make it hurt any less, I couldn't save her, just like I couldn't save Admiral Kahoku. I should've been able to stop a good man from dying."

"Shepard, that was not your fault, not in anyway." Kaidan said as he pulled Shepard closer. "I know everyone expects things of you, but you can't control the galaxy. People make their own choices, you aren't responsible for that." He kissed Shepard's head once again.

"I left Ash to die, I'm responsible for that." Shepard whispered, a tear trickling down his face, a clear sign of the cracks already showing.

"You had to make a choice. Ash was a great person, a great soldier." Kaidan's mind began to wonder. "Why did you pick me? Give me a straight answer, not the one you gave on the Normandy."


	3. Chapter 3 : Selfish Love

The Losses That Plague You

Chapter 3 : Selfish Love

"It's selfish… I picked you because… because I'm in love with you." Shepard paused as Kaidan held his breath. They've been romantically involved for a while, but neither had admitted the love they held for each other. Kaidan released the breath he didn't realise he was holding.

"I guess I'm selfish too." Kaidan began, Shepard looked into Kaidan's eyes. "Because, I'm glad you chose me, because I'm in love with you too, Shepard." Kaidan smiled looking into Shepard's eyes. "I love you John Shepard."

Shepard's hand traced the side of Kaidan's face as he pulled him in for a deep kiss as his tears dried up.

"You keep me sane, you know that?" Shepard smiled. "I couldn't live in this galaxy without you." He held Kaidan's face as they smiled at each other.

The door slid open as Shepard was making a glass of water. He turned to greet his turian friend.

"Hey Shepard, how're you holding up?" Garrus asked as he walked across this apartment towards Shepard.

"Hey Garrus, I'm doing just fine. Thanks for the guest room, by the way."

"I'm glad you found it alright, it's no trouble." Garrus smiled as he pulled out a dextro drink. "Want some?" He chuckled

Shepard laughed. "No thank you."

Kaidan popped his head around the corner and smiled at Shepard, gesturing for him to come with him. Shepard smiled at Kaidan and winked at him.

"I think I might turn in early." Shepard spoke as he walked towards Kaidan. "Goodnight, Garrus."

Kaidan pulled at his lovers arm as he dragged him down the hallway. "Goodnight." He called out.

Garrus watched as Shepard disappeared around the corner, he called out goodnight as he turned to prepare his drink.

Shepard awoke to an empty bed, Shepard noticed there wasn't even an indentation to indicate someone had slept in the bed with him.

"Kaidan?" He called out. No answer. He got dressed quickly and walked towards the lounge.

He walked around the corner and stumbled upon Kaidan, who was putting a glass into the automated washer.

"There you are." Shepard sighed with relief. "How long have you been up?"

"Couple hours, Garrus left a note addressed to you. I haven't read it." Kaidan smiled gesturing to the note.

"That's strange… Why didn't he address it to both of us?" Shepard replied, picking up the folded note that had Shepard written quickly across it.

"It's Garrus, he is strange." Kaidan chuckled, approaching the couch to sit down.

Shepard opened the letter and read its contents.

'_Shepard, I have some more errands to run. It seems C-Sec can't do anything right. There's some human food in the kitchen, I hope you like it. See you later. Garrus'_

"Garrus has more errands to run, so I guess we'll have the day to ourselves." Shepard smiled, putting the note down and cuddling up to his lover on the couch. "He took down all the Saren clippings too."

"Oh I didn't even notice." Kaidan said turning to look behind him.

"Not very perceptive, are you?" Shepard laughed.

"Shut up" Kaidan laughed. "Fancy watching some vids?"

"Anything for you." Shepard smiled, kissing Kaidan. "Let's see what food Garrus has first? Vids make me hungry."

The last vid had just finished, and the credits were rolling up the screen. Kaidan heard a quiet sniffling coming from Shepard.

"Shepard?" Kaidan almost laughed. "Are you crying?"

Shepard leant forward drying his eyes.

"I'm emotionally vulnerable right now." He sniffed, rubbing his eyes. He looked at his lover. "It's not my fault okay?"

Kaidan smiled, pulling his lover back into his arms, chuckling softly as he cuddled him.

"His wife died, how are you not crying?" Shepard sniffed, cuddling closer to Kaidan.

"I was too busy watching you." Kaidan chuckled, then kissed Shepard's forehead.

"You creep." Shepard laughed as he kissed Kaidan deeply.

"I'm your creep." Kaidan smiled, as he got up. "It's late, fancy going to bed."

"It's not late." Shepard stated.

"Shepard we watched 6 vids, we were on that couch for about 12 hours." Kaidan laughed, trying to reason with Shepard.

"I guess, I'll be there in a minute." He smiled, standing up and heading to the kitchen.

"Hurry." Kaidan smiled as he strolled down to the guest bedroom.

Shepard turned on the tap and made himself a glass of water. He downed the water in seconds as placed the glass down. He turned to go to bed and was greeted by his reflection. His eyes were red and puffy, he walked closer to his reflection. He had bags under his eyes too, although he thought he had been sleeping fine. He put it down to the tears and constantly watching vids.

The door slide open and Garrus walked in and dropped himself on the couch.

"Hey Shepard." Garrus greeted him with a yawn.

"Rough day?" Shepard smiled.

"You could say that." Garrus admitted, looking at Shepard. "Have you been crying?" Garrus asked with real concern.

"I've been watching vids all day." Shepard laughed.

"Oh, Shepard, did the soppy love stories make you cry." Garrus teased.

"I'm emotionally vulnerable!" Shepard whined as he turned and stalked off to the bedroom.

Garrus broke into laughter.

"Goodnight, Shepard!" He called, still laughing.

"Night!" Shepard growled. "Turian bastard." He muttered under his breath with a smile.


	4. Chapter 4 : You Keep Me Sane

The Losses That Plague You

Chapter 4 : You Keep Me Sane

Shepard awoke, yet again, to an empty bed. For someone who didn't rest easily, he was never awoken by Kaidan getting out of bed. He sat up, stretched and yawned, then he got out of bed. He pulled a fresh t-shirt on and strolled down the hall. He could hear a pan sizzling as he entered the kitchen. Kaidan was leaning up the counter whilst Garrus slaved over the oven.

"Garrus?" Shepard asked. "You're cooking… sausage?"

Garrus laughed, whilst the sausages sizzled away.

"Shepard, the human that runs the local butchers taught me how to cook them. Thought I'd make you some breakfast." Garrus laughed.

"There's not enough sausage there for us though." Shepard smiled looking towards Kaidan. Kaidan returned it with a brilliant smile.

"Shepard I don't eat human food." Garrus laughed.

"I've already ate." Kaidan smiled, walking towards the door. "I'll be in the lounge."

Shepard smiled at him, a smile full of happiness. Garrus glanced at Shepard, he smiled back at him.

"It's good to see you smiling properly after we lost so much, after you lost so much." Garrus' smile faded as he served up the sausage.

"Thank you Garrus, for everything." Shepard smiled.

"It's okay, I know I should be supervising, but I have one more errand to run." Garrus smiled, putting his hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"What are these errands?" Shepard questioned.

"Well, I'm finishing off some cases for C-Sec." Garrus admitted. "Last one today, then I can leave clear of mind."

Shepard picked up the sausages, grabbed some bread and sauce from under the cupboard.

"Good luck with that." Shepard laughed as he made sausage sandwiches.

Shepard and Kaidan sat on the couch watching daytime tv, the news came on and a headline flashed across the screen reading, _'Memorial set for those lost in the fight against Saren', _Shepard tensed and Kaidan felt it.

"Shepard… it's okay." Kaidan held onto his lover as the images of those lost flashed on screen. Several faces passed on the screen showing the people of Eden Prime, the people of Zhu's Hope. Shepard reached for the remote as Ashley came up on screen. He quickly switched it off.

"Shepard!" Kaidan shouted.

Shepard squeezed the bridge of his nose.

"What?" He uttered.

"You can't avoid it for the rest of your life!" Kaidan stood and stared down at his lover.

"I can, and I will!" Shepard rose to meet Kaidan. "It's my fault they're dead and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise!" He shouted as he started shaking and pacing, tears filling his eyes.

"Shepard! Please!" Kaidan shouted back, the door to the apartment slide open and Garrus quickly walked in.

"Shepard, I saw the news and just knew you'd be watching it." Garrus admitted running towards his best friend.

"They're all dead." Shepard sobbed as he hugged Garrus.

"They shouldn't have shown his face, I'm sorry." Garrus held onto Shepard, not as friend or comrade but as a brother. Shepard paused for a moment, mind processing what Garrus had said. He pushed Garrus away.

"You said his. Why did you say his?" Shepard questioned.

"I know you and Kaidan were an item, it wasn't a secret." Garrus admitted, sounding sympathetic.

"I don't understand, Kaidan wasn't on the news." Shepard stated, shaking his head as his mind raced.

"He came on after Ash did… Shepard, Kaidan died." Garrus couldn't understand why Shepard was so resistant. Shepard's eyes grew wide as he looked at Kaidan.

"He's right there! How could you say that?!" Shepard shouted pointing at Kaidan.

Garrus turned around and didn't see anyone. Shepard looked into Kaidan's eyes and approached him, he reached out. His hand didn't touch anything solid, Kaidan disappeared in front of Shepard's eyes.

"Kaidan…" He cried.

"When pieces of Sovereign crashed into the Council Chambers, Kaidan was crushed. He died instantly." Garrus got out, almost choking on his words.

"B… but…" Shepard felt his world shatter around him, his knee's gave out as he fell to the floor. "He's been with me these past few days… you… you…" Shepard felt Garrus get to his knees and hug Shepard.

Shepard's mind began to sew the clues together. _No indentation in the bed, Kaidan's different smell, Garrus' letter addressed to only him, the way Garrus never spoke directly to Kaidan, and the way Kaidan would rarely be around when Shepard was with someone. _He imagined him the whole time.

"I… I imagined him…" Shepard managed to get out as he slipped into unconsciousness.

"Shepard? Shepard!?" Garrus panicked as he opened his omni-tool and phoned an ambulance.

Garrus paced the hall in the hospital, he kept glancing at the room that they had took Shepard into. After several minutes the doctor exited the room and walked up to Garrus.

"He's suffering with an extreme case of Post-Traumatic Stress, which would explain the hallucinations. He's stable and he's coming around, you can go in if you like." The doctor smiled as he walked away.

"Thank you." He muttered as he walked towards the room.

He opened the door and stepped in. Shepard was lying in the bed, various machines monitoring him as he slowly came around.

"Shepard? Can you hear me?" Garrus said softly.

No response.

He approached the bed and sat beside it, holding his friends hand.

"You keep me sane…" He uttered.

Garrus watched Shepard as he began to repeat the phrase over and over again.

"Shepard?" Garrus asked again, but Shepard continued to utter the words 'You keep me sane'.

Garrus shook his head as he stayed with Shepard a while longer. A nurse came in to tell Garrus that visiting hours were over and Garrus took one last look at his friend as he walked out of the room, a single tear rolling down his face as Shepard continued to repeat the phrase.

"You keep me sane… You keep me sane… _You keep me sane…"_


End file.
